Happy New Year.

As the year draws to a close, we at the conservative party would like to wish the British public a very happy and prosperous new year !

The last few years has seen many changes in British society giving large indications of how well we're performing as a government. Despite our best efforts homelessness has now reached over 320,000 which unfortunately means 1 in every 200 Brits are homeless. 13,000 of those homeless are vets many with PTSD. But on the plus side we have given them more of a voice by increasing their numbers so significantly. Crime has risen sharply especially violent crime but this has nothing to do with cuts to Policing, Station closures or the loss of 22,500 Police Officers. Universal Credit has helped millions of British people out, mainly helped them out of a home or left them starving waiting for a payment. Not really any better than the working poverty created by zero hour contracts and low wages. But under our watch we have seen the amount of food banks in Britain explode since 2010 from the 70 or so that existed then, to well over 2,000 we have now, which is “rather uplifting”. This increase is not related to UC, cuts or austerity, it's just a coincidence.

Starting the new year we'd like to do more to help the disabled and vulnerable, as all we've done in the past is declare them fit for work and spend over £100 million defending our breaches of the disabled's human rights. While it is regrettable that many have commited suicide, it has slightly reduced the burden on the state. While you may have read the Oxford University study published in the Royal Society of Medicine website that states over 30,000 excess deaths occured in 2015 alone due to cuts and austerity, we have agreed to put some of the funding we stole back into the NHS over the next 6 years. This will no doubt help as the system has been underfunded for 8 years and we have a shortage of about 70,000 Nurses and 40,000 Doctors. This has nothing to do with our hostile environment policy, the windrush scandal or the loss of bursaries for Nurses, again this is just a coincidence.

The coming year will be very difficult for British citizens financially. The pound is low, economic growth is virtually stagnant and we've done little to invest. But be assured if you are a corporation, donor or shareholder you will continue to make profit hand over fist, as we lower corporation tax and give you billions in government contracts, even when you provide only a few % efficiency on those contracts. We will also give you over £100 billion a year in corporate welfare and subsidies to ensure profits remain high. We will not let business friends, donors and fellow shareholders down. We looked after you during austerity as is proven by the fact that the top 1000 British families doubled their wealth during austerity.

So have a wonderful new year from the party that brought you Brexit, Austerity, Grenfell failures, Windrush scandal, Institutional child abuse cover up, Weapon sales to despots, Economic euthanasia, NHS Crisis, Contempt of parliament, Election Fraud, Universal Credit, Disabled vilification, WASPI Women, A weak pound, Working poverty, Homeless Crisis and the many other problems created by our ideology of feeding corporate greed at the expense of the vulnerable, poor and disabled.

Merry Xmas

Merry Christmas from the Conservative Party.

At this time of year when enjoying roast pheasant and champagne in a country house with 16 bedrooms and a roaring log fire, we'd like to wish the 300,000+ homeless people and the pensioners who no longer receive winter fuel payments a very Merry Christmas. While tucking in to our festive banquet we will no doubt spare a thought for those who have to use one of the 2000+ food banks that we have nurtured from just a handful.

We'd also like to say Merry Xmas to the 20,000 Armed forces personnel, 22,500 Police Officers, numerous public sector workers we've sacked since 2010.

While dancing around to festive tunes in a mansion we always give a big festive shout out to the disabled who have had their rights breached by us, their entitlements stopped and been declared fit for work.

Because it's the time of year when we consider the lost loved ones, beloved family now passed, we'd also like to say Happy Christmas to the families of the 30,000 excess deaths every year, caused by our cuts and austerity. We know a cheery message won't bring your loved ones back, but the richest in the UK have doubled their wealth during austerity, so it's not all bad news.

Please spare a thought for others this festive season. Many are too ill to enjoy the festive season and will be in the NHS enjoying the care of our underpaid nurses and doctors at our partially staffed, lightly funded hospitals, enjoying the very best treatment someone working 80+ hours a week can give.

We are not doing panto this year (outside of parliament), but we will be available for photo-ops at a food bank near you !

So from all at the Conservative party a Merry Christmas and a big thank you for allowing us to rob you blind again this year.

The Cost.

"According to new ONS figures, homeless deaths in Britain have increased by 24% over the past five years."

But at least we can now divert more money from social services to corporations via welfare and subsidies. If a few homeless have to die to support corporate greed, it's the sacrifice we must make. If a few thousand pensioners die of cold every winter, so be it. If workers have to use food banks to survive. Provided we can still afford to lose £120 billion a year from the tax gap created by corporations avoiding tax, while we feed them £93 billion a year in welfare and subsidies, that's what is important. We can't spare a few million to provide affordable housing, pensioner heating bills and police corporate greed, us Tories are here to facilitate corporate greed.

Tory Scrooge

Once upon a time, long ago, in the land of Britain, there lived a very evil witchqueen named Theresa May. Her government between 2010-2015 cut £44 billion from public services and cost the kingdom over 120,000 lives through their wicked magical invention Austerity. Austerity turns good people into the vulnerable, hungry and homeless while sending large streams of money to the private sector, during the same 5 year period she also gave away £465 billion to the greedy magicians who own the media and large corporations that prey upon the kingdom.

One night close to Christmas as Theresa slept in her casket, filled with native soil from her homeland. She was visited by three ghosts. The first ghost woke her up with a start as it stared down at her.
"I have been in your shoes" the ghost said. "I promised to sell housing cheap to the peasants, instead I made regulations to increase landlords profits and to make tenancies less secure. I sold off all the council houses under the right to buy scheme. Knowing of course , that these houses would end up in the possession of private landlords. I also failed to build any new social housing. This created high rents, insecure tenancies and homelessness"
"During my time as PM" the ghost continued. "I crushed the Unions and killed off the coal, steel and supporting industries, leaving vast areas of the kingdom with mass unemployment and forever shifting the balance from workers rights to corporate dominance. I also used a war to ensure I stayed in power and because my ego was beyond control, I even sent Nuclear weapons aboard those ships"
The Ghost then shed a tear as she explained. "I now see what an evil , callous, heartless PM I was. Take my advice Theresa, change your path ! My afterlife is filled with regret and horror, I relive the cruelty, hunger, homelessness and pain of my victims for all eternity!" With that Margaret Thatcher's Ghost vanished.

Theresa while being Strong and Stable was also slightly shaken. Nevertheless she closed her eyes and drifted back to sleep. She soon awoke as another Ghost appeared.

Grey and cold the Ghost was like a long thin inverted lamppost with two pairs of eyes that seemed to suck in the light from all around.
The Ghost spoke "I'm not actually a Ghost , I'm just quite pallid and grey. John Major is my name."
Theresa was shocked and stunned and dismayed, how can a man be alive , when so grey ?
The Ghost that was not a Ghost then spoke again. "I tried to heal the Party after Maggie's departure. But the sleaze scandals started and my tenure was mainly laughter. With satirical spitting image and my failure to govern, I made little impact and will be remembered for nothing. Take my advice Theresa May, change your ways This minute, This Night, This Day!"
With that the Ghost that was not a Ghost disappeared.

Theresa , less Strong and Stable, considered her experiences for a while. Then went back to sleep.

She was awoke for a third time.
The Ghost spoke "My Ghostly appearance is technicolor splendor, a magical device that allows me to communicate with you."
Theresa was unimpressed , with all that had happened. "Yes a hologram, I've seen it in the movies. What do you want David ?"

The Ghostly apparition then spoke further. "I'm David Cameron as you know me Theresa , I will spare you my resume. I created a magical word that once it was uttered would polarise the country, cripple our economy, trading relations, international relations and would lower our credit rating and sterling itself would plummet. I made the mistake of releasing the magic word to the press and now we sit on the edge of an abyss, because of my incompetence. If only I'd never heard that evil magical word, Brexit"

The Ghostly apparition then burst into floods of tears and winked out like a light being turned off.

Theresa sat up in bed, considering her night. She spent hours thinking about what the three ghosts had said. Then after much deliberation, she left her bed and went to the mirror on the wall. She looked into the mirror and with an evil glint in her eye she spoke "Strong and Stable". With that she got dressed, went downstairs and continued her reign of terror on the vulnerable, disabled, kids, public sector workers and the poor. No one except the extremely wealthy lived happily ever after.

Tory FB page be like...

Everything is fine, Don't panic, the economy is bigly impressive, trading has never been healthier, debt is lower than it will ever be in the future and children are educated and cared for in a safe environment. Well paid jobs for everyone. The disabled have a lavish expense account. The elderly are all warm in front of a roaring fire and the homeless are just taking advantage of our heated pavements.

Railways

Railways, as long as they don't nationalise them. I'd prefer to keep paying through the nose for a dismal unreliable service, safe in the knowledge I'm feeding CEOs and shareholders tax haven accounts. I'm just happy to pay towards the £93 billion given away in corporate welfare and subsidies to corporations like these. The occasional bailout and public debt is fine by me. Provided they don't nationalise them and allow all that profit to be lost to reinvestment in better services and cheaper fares.